Blue Bag Blues

I love the environment. I love the environment so much that since I've bought a V8 Jeep, I make my wife drive it and I drive around in her little Corolla. That way, when the real Happening occurs all the trees will be mad at her and not me. But having done all I can to ensure my survival has not given me a solution to my newest problem: Because of the hate campaign against plastic grocery bags, I don't know what to do with all the cat poo. Those of you who have cats will know what I mean. Cats have this fear of their own poo touching their paws, so when a cat box gets poo in it, cats stop using it. Humans, because we "own" cats, must do something about this and that means emptying the cat box. The only solution I've thought of so far is to throw the poo into my neighbors yard. Strange story there. My neighbors are trying to sell their house so they moved. Across the street. And apparently they turned off the electricity in their old house. So now, whenever the neighbor Man needs to do maintenance, he stretches extension cords across the street. Awesome, right?! True Dude! No, not really, he's an asshole. Anyway, I suppose I could get cat box liners, but those are plastic too(but they're strangely exempt from the hate). And they suck. Or I could do like the zoo and sell it. But because nobody really buys cat poo and I learned over the summer that it's bad for compost piles and vegetables, I'll need to sell it on America's marketplace: eBay. Quality is not an issue since most of the stuff on there is crap anyway. Also, with two cats I can easily meet the high demand that such a specialty item will command. I've got it! I'll make my own Kopi Luwak. Just mix in some Folgers and shape into convenient logs and 'Bam!', gourmet coffee! And you know what, As a special offer to the two readers of this blog, I'm giving away free samples. Just hook me up with your name, address, bank account number and SSN and I'll ship you out a free ten pound sample in a five pound bag. What's that? No, no don't thank me. It's you who have made this possible. Yes, my friends that's right, you are the shit!

On The Daddy Tip #6

Have you ever heard that radio commercial with the Dad who's giving advice to his kid regarding letting a girl know that the kid likes her? The Dad's all like "Just grunt and pick up heavy stuff around her." Useful advice but there's no mention of lifting with your legs, not with your back. Well, I obviously care more about you than that Dad cares about his kid, because my Daddy Tip today is all about safety. One thing that commercial did get right is how you don't have to be perfect to be a good Dad. That's why I only know about four or five signature dishes to prepare. One of those dishes however, is quesadillas(QDs). I've had a QD pan for a while but it's cast iron. It's a good, heavy cast iron pan but it's hard to dodge when my wife throws it and its handle gets very hot. The solution to my quandry was a handle pot holder courtesy of A****Bee's. Back when A****Bee's food was edible, the fajitas were the bomb-diggity. Conveniently, they would come with a handle pot holder in order to avoid lawsuits. Even more conveniently, the pot holders fit in a pocket and are virtually invisible to metal detectors. If you can stand the crappy food, head on over to A****Bee's and get the fajitas. Then buy yourself a QD pan and learn how to cook like Rick Bayless.

All I Want for Christmas

This is going to be bigger than Halo 3

Dr Frostkenstein

I love my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now. Even if her attitude is funky. She's a smokin' hot, intelligent young woman who doesn't let me get away with anything. Also, she's my favorite baby momma. That being said, I'm scared now. My sister gave my wife this winter scene thing that requires some assembly. There's a tree, some birds, huge candy canes and some glitter that represents snow...or blood. That's right. Blood. You see, in this idyllic winter scene lurks Dr Frostkenstein. "Aww, how cute," you say. Well friend(s), you've been duped. As I let my mind ponder Christmas past and lost myself in childhood snow days my eye happened upon the stack of alleged snowballs to the left of the cheerful snowman. And then I looked, and I mean really looked, at the snowman. Notice anything, or the lack thereof? He doesn't have arms! How in the hell can he throw snowballs with no arms?!?! Then the realization hit me. Those aren't snowballs, those are snow people body parts!!!! Here you have Dr Frostkenstein caught in the act! Notice the beady black eyes, the look of innocence in the worlds smallest carrot nose and that scarf that screams "I need a hug". All the tools of a master body snatcher! Luckily I caught on to him in time. Thank me later. Just be happy you and your children didn't have to go through this:

Smashing Idea Baby!

I guess Bush learned his lesson about having a slow reaction time:

Maybe the reporter got the idea from here?

Thank You, Free Market Economy

Usually during trips to WalPurgis-Mart(hereinafter referred to as "WP-M") things go pretty smoothly, which I guess is odd in and of itself because if there is one place where humanity clashes in the most violent of ways, not including murder, it is within the blue walls. But the other day was different. I've been to WP-M countless times, as I'm sure most of you have, but during the most recent trip something happened. Living here in Purgatory, I can remember the Blackout of '03(And I thank God that the good people of Great Lakes Brewing took advantage of everyone's misfortune with their wonderful Blackout Stout). More recently, there was the Blackout of '08(during which time I was home alone for four days wondering how to save a freezer full of breastmilk). As a consequence, rechargeable lanterns were in order. Anyway, the other day my wife and I headed to WP-M to pick up some basic discounted household goods. Due to the latest First Energy F*&$-up, there was a quick check for the aforementioned lanterns. This trip we were in luck, or so we thought. Upon arriving at the checkout we were greeted by Stolichnaya* who was amenable enough, until she rang up our lantern. As the register beeped I was greeted by a message which I have never before encountered. The little display on the register read "Unsellable Item." Stolichnaya promptly picked up our lantern, mumbled something about "You cannot buy" and started to walk away. As my wife looked at me questioningly I thought to myself, 'Good, now a manager will tell us why we can't buy this uber-desirable lantern.' Alas, it was not meant to be, as Stoli only walked as far as the returns cart, deposited the lantern, walked back to her register and continued to ring up our purchases. When my wife recovered from her shock and asked why we couldn't get the lantern, Stoli only said, "I don't know, register says you cannot buy, so you cannot buy." As we left the store sans lantern, my wife and I could only express disbelief at our "No Sale." Now, as I think back and as my liver processes some wonderful Goats do Roam 2006, I can only feel sadness. Sadness for Stoli. And for all of our Eastern Bloc brothers and sisters who were raised to believe that questioning authority(and unsellable Coleman lanterns) is a crime punishable by death. So I say to you all, "Rise Up!" Now is the time for change, people! Before one more person concerned about sitting in the dark for four days tries to buy a lantern and is denied. We need to stand up and be the change we need! Do it for me! Do it for my wife! But most of all, do it for Stolichnaya! Does she even know it's Christmas time at all?!

Everything Has a Season

I officially have a saga! Last year, in an attempt to be more organic in my everyday eating and to show my daughter where food comes from, I planted a garden. That's right, I'm a hippy, har, har. For a while you could've found me toiling away like some geriatric Dude with very little time left. I found out something really interesting in the process, though. First: Tomato Hornworms are huge! and B) A compost pile is essential and should be in play before a garden is started. Because I was a late bloomer(get it?) I started my pile after my garden was running. Religiously, I would fill up my little scrap bucket with...um...scraps and truck it out to the backyard to feed my pile. Well, it's winter now so my garden is dead but I made an interesting discovery a short time ago. Much like Waldo it was hidden in plain sight. I found the scrap bucket. And apparently I forgot to empty it before tundra set in. As a consequence, it's full. My plan is to wait until spring, pop the lid and see what I've grown in there. It started out as lots of coffee grounds, some broccoli, tomatoes and whatever else I could think to add while my wife wasn't looking. Tune in in the spring to see what's cooking. But still read my blog until then, too.

memento mori

This is either very creepy or very sad.

My wife and I woke up early this morning because she's not working-again- and I'm off for a couple days. The plan was to drop off the kid at daycare and hang out for a few hours. You know, enjoy each others company and all that. When I went outside it was a crisp winter day, like a postcard. I saw this lone fang-cicle hanging from the bumper of my wife's car and thought to myself "Now, that's poetic". Anyway, I stooped down to take this picture and my wife started her car up. Luckily, the dizziness of carbon monoxide poisoning passed quickly and when I regained my senses I smashed the fang-cicle. Since it was all the fang's fault I figured that would be a poetic ending.

On the Daddy Tip #5

Today's Daddy Tip is sort of a no brainer but I didn't think about it and you probably didn't either. While being bitten on the finger due to baby Orajel's need to come in direct contact with erupting gums, I noticed something icky. And no, it was not that I should find some other way besides sticking my dirty finger in my daughter's mouth to apply the Orajel. I noticed that the inside of her mouth was ragged. Both me and my wife had noticed the snaggly-ness of our daughter's teeth but neither of us thought to check the inside of her mouth. She had, and has, been biting the inside of her cheeks while sleeping and as a result was waking up...a lot. So when you too have to deal with erupty-ness of snaggly-ness(that's Latin) make sure you check the inside of your kids mouth for holey gum's. Or they might just chew all the way through their cheeks and have a mouth on the side. And then everyone will know what a bad parent you are. And your kid will hate you. Forever. Or at least everytime they try to eat and food comes out their sidemouth.