Satan's Cadillac

You've all seen it. In someone's front yard, in a park, in a store. Hell, you've probably even got one yourself. That's right. The Cozy Coupe. "But why, why," you ask? Because my daughter turned two on Sunday and sometimes we have to do stuff. So I unpacked and I proceeded. And then I had trouble:

But then I read the instructions. And I saw something that looked familiar (at least it would to non-virgins). I saw this:

Yup. In the middle of the instructions on how to assemble a kid's toy, I found out how to put one on. Or get one off. So, following the logic train straight into the station I thought to myself, 'Self, what I need is lubrication.' And the funny thing is, it worked! You think that's gross? No, it's natural. You think it's a waste? Guess what? I'm married and I have a two year-old. Nobody living in my house is gonna come to me and say, "Hey, have you seen the expired KY that was in the nightstand?" Unfortunately, nothing else called for lubrication which, oddly enough, made things harder. There was some screwing involved but it just gave me a sore hand. I guess I'm out of practice.

Can't Think of a Good "Loaner" or "CD" Title

Just recently I had to take my car in for service. My new car, not the old lemon "rump-shaker," and as I drove around in the dealer loaner-you know the one, with the "Courtesy of..." and the window stickers-I came to a realization that surprised me, considering I drive for a living now: I would totally drive a loaner for a living. Yeah, let me show up at a dealership around eleven thirty in the morning, jump in a loaner with all the stickers and I'll cruise. Like a rolling billboard. Head to a Phoenix for a cup-a-joe, catch a matinee, hit up Tommy's. Just basically drive around and let the dealer's car be seen. 'Course I'll need fifty grand a year and full benefits, but the advertising for the dealer is probably worth way more than that. They're getting a great deal, IMHO. And while I'm on the subject of loaners. I'm obsessed with checking the CD player in a loaner as soon as I get in it, even before I adjust my mirrors. No "safety first" for me. Funny thing is, I've only found a CD once. In just about 16 years of driving. And the music was cRap. That doesn't stop me from getting my hopes up, and getting my dreams crushed. I guess I'm just romantic like that.

On the Daddy Tip #11

So, it's flu season. Everybody's running around, scared of a sneeze, washing their hands and covering their mouths. Basically, being the polite, responsible people that they should be year-round. If you're a good Dad, and what Dad isn't (maybe this one), you're getting geared up for flu shots for your family and you. You are getting flu shots, right? Yeah, me neither. Irregardless of a flu shot or not your kid will probably get the snots. That means sickness and maybe vomit. Probably diarrhea. That's why I'm here. No, not to clean up your kid's puke and crap; you wanted that particular problem so go deal with it. No, I'm here with a tip. Finally, after teasing you for a year, I present to you: The Doo-Juice Tip. Ready? Give your kid pretzels!!! "Wait, what? I thought you said juice," you say. Yeah. Stay tuned for brilliance. When your kid gets sick with the sickness and poops with the diarrhea, you will get worried and go to the hospital. The hospital people, aka doctors and nurses, will do something you will probably not be able to do: They will get your kid to take liquids. Yes, they cheat with IV's but they will expect you to be awesome and also get your kid to take liquids and will offer suggestions like: popsicles, Gatorade, Pedialyte, beer, etc... But here is something you may not know, but hospital people probably do: Your kid, as soon as He/she does not have a needle in their arm, will stop taking liquids. That is when you, Dad, say to the wife "Let's stop and get some pretzels, honey." Your wife will curse you but you will emerge from the Piggly Wiggly with low sodium (NOT no sodium) pretzels. And Pedialyte, Gatorade, beer, etc... And here's something you may not know, but your kid does: Pedialyte tastes like crap. Therefore, your kid will not drink it. So you, honorable, brave Dad, you will bust out the pretzels, open a beer, open the Pedialyte and show your kid what you do when you "run to the store" but come back smelling like, well like beer. Your bartender knows this trick. Why do you think He/she gives you pretzels for free? Your kid will be all like, "Want doo-juice, want doo-juice" (or at least mine was). And Bam!, rehydrated child! Don't thank me now. Just mention my name when your kid survives the flu, becomes President and feels the need to pardon some people.

She's a Cunning Linguist Already

I remember the first time I cussed out loud. It was me, William and Mark and we were at the end of Kesteven Rd. Down by the big dirt pile and the deadfall with the bee's nests and the lizards. The drainage for the street came out down there and there was a pipe about three feet in diameter that, if you yelled into it, would echo. I knew for sure that my parents, all the way at the top of the street, could hear me but I gathered my nerve and meekly croaked out "shit." After, I was scared to go home. When nothing happened and I realized the world wouldn't end I would go down there and yell my fool head off. That first tentative expletive blossomed into a full blown love affair with "dirty words." And my favorite, my absolute hands-down favorite curse word is the "F-word." I love how it can be humorous, violent, sexy or scared. In my humble opinion there is no finer curse word. Now that I have a daughter I have to watch my language but I find myself finding joy in her growing love of the English language. Her new favorite word is "fork." She doesn't know why but mommy and Daddy find it hilarious and that means she will repeat it at the top of her lungs for as long as we laugh. I just hope to God she doesn't ask for a fork the next time we go out to eat.

I'd Like You to Meet Someone

THOMAS JOSEPH KOCSIS

THOMAS JOSEPH KOCSIS, age 3; dearly beloved son of Joseph Kocsis and Amy Richmond (nee Whittaker); adored brother of Michael and Kate Richmond, twins Elizabeth and Nicholas Kocsis, and Nathan Klaus; loving grandson of Cynthia (nee Ebersole) and Thomas Whittaker, JoAnn (nee DiFiori) Fischer (husband, Fred) and Donald Kocsis (deceased); cherished great-grandson of June and Horace (deceased) Ebersole, Joseph and Frances DiFiori, and Frank and Nora Kocsis; dearest nephew of Matthew (wife, June) Whittaker, Erin (husband, Brian) Phillips, Jacob Bialosky, Roise Lomax(Lionell), of WA, Kendall Fischer, and great-nephew and cousin of many. Relatives and friends are invited to meet for the Funeral Service Thursday, September 17, 2009, at 10:30 a.m., at New Promise Church, 8671 Chardon Rd. (Rt. 6 just east of Rt. 306), Kirtland 44094. Burial following in Whitehaven Memorial Park. Family will receive friends to pay tribute to and celebrate the life of Tommy at THE DeJOHN-FLYNN-MYLOTT FUNERAL HOME OF WILLOUGHBY HILLS, 28890 CHARDON RD. (between Bishop Rd. and Rt. 91) WEDNESDAY 2 - 4 AND 6 - 9 P.M. Please leave any online condolences at: www.DeJohnFuneral.com (440) 516-5555