Thursday, October 30, 2008

This kid rocks!

Already more of a Man than most Men, this kid decided public school might not be for him and was going to walk across the country, with a couple packs of cookies. Trek on, little Dude!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I ain't scured! Much...

I'm a Dad so I'm not scared of much but there are a few things that get my blood boiling. The first two, spiders and heights, are obvious, if you value your life you should be scared of them too. The third is a painful death. I figure since life is so rough anyway, it would be a pisser if death hurt(Please God, just let me go to sleep one night and wake up in the morning sitting in a corner booth with Hemingway, van Gogh, Kurt Cobain and Brian). The last thing I realized I was scared of came about due to some krod deciding that my Jeep would be convenient to hydroplane into on I-90. As I spun around and stared into traffic coming at me at 60 mph hoping and praying that a semi wasn't lurking back there somewhere, I realized that I'm scared of sunroofs. I know, you're probably saying, "What kind of righteous Dude is scared of a sunroof. Well, me. As I faced an impending rollover that never came all I kept thinking was "What if my car flips and the sunroof glass breaks out?" I figured if that happened I'd have to do some heroic James Bond type handstand as sparks flew and gas leaked and bad guys followed with blazing machine guns. Easy right? No. You may not have guessed this from my quick wit but I weigh a tad more than the average Guy. With my luck my car would have flipped, all the glass in the car would have blown out, I would have lost a leg or two and then would have had to support my weight(and my bloody torso) so I wouldn't go through the sunroof. Of course at that point, jelly arms would activate, and my head would hit the pavement sliding past the open sunroof and I would slowly be ground away into nothing. A painful death. All this is in hindsight, obviously, but it brings home an important point: Sunroofs should be banned by the NHTSA. Oh, and provide for your family in case you meet my krod.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

My anniversary...

Today marks the one year anniversary of the best four days of my life. I was basically homeless, sleeping in my clothes on a foldout chair, with only a thin blanket for warmth. For four days the only things I ate were a Chipotle burrito, two donuts, a couple nabs and a lot of hot chocolate. I was only able to shower once in those four days and that was only after I cleaned up blood that someone else had left in the bathroom. In this sorry state, I was ignored in a room full of people as I cowered Gollum-like in a dark corner with only a Batman graphic novel for company. I was locked out of the place I was staying and had to walk a quarter mile in one direction in order to beg for sympathy from a stranger, before having to walk another quarter mile back. I was yelled at, smiled at and then looked upon with derision by one individual during a three minute period of time, all because I wanted a bagel and they were closed. I missed a Notre Dame football game. I was awakened every two hours, told I could go back to sleep if I wanted and was then yelled at because I did. I learned that if you say you are a nurse, my wife will let you touch her boobs while I watch(and I found out that this is not as sexy as it sounds). I broke Venetian blinds that did not belong to me, in a vain attempt to jump out of a window and escape my future. I stole a matchbox car from a kid who probably wishes he had never taken it out of his room. In one of the highest places in Ohio, I had to listen to two girls with valley accents attempt rudimentary speech. I found out my car was stupid and I drive too fast. I watched an alarming shade of purple turn to a beautiful cafe-au-lait. I breathed a sigh of relief after ten harrowing months...and I welcomed my daughter into the world. Happy Birthday, Ruby Louise.

Friday, October 24, 2008

On the Daddy tip #1

So, Dads, just so this doesn't seem like a free-for-all rant against babies, kittens, puppies, butterflies and everything "cute", I figure I'll try to instill a wholesome amount of Daddy-ness into this blog with a tip now and again. If you're sittin' around being a Man and you think of some way your Man-ness has improved the lives of babies everywhere, let me know @ daycare4dads@gmail.com and we'll learn, together.
Today's tip is actually mom approved(which shows that they're right sometimes). The next time you find yourself in a baby store, snag some of these brightly colored rings. They come in packs of about a bajillion(so you know a Man packaged them) and they're reasonably priced too, so you'll have money left in your allowance after you pay for them. String a bunch together and not only do they look like a chain a baby would wield in a rumble, they're pretty damn handy in that you can attach one end of the chain to a car seat, stroller, whatever and the other end to whatever your kid is repeatedly throwing on the floor this week and save yourself the hassle of bending over. Instead teach your kid a fun new game I like to call "Pull it back up yourself and stop your whining."
Or, at the very least, you can wrangle a duck.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

In the Beginning...

A long time ago(6 months), I got fed up with parenting and more specifically "proper" parenting, being a one person job, namely that of The Mother. I'll admit I do things wrong in the parenting game but a win's a win, right. So what if I use one bottle all day every day, that makes for a healthy immune system. And not using Desitin with every diaper change saves money, right? All I'm saying is, my daughter's as healthy as any baby and I've never given one thought to what to expect in the first year. Playing it by ear is my right as a dad and I've decided to take a stand.
So that's what this here blog is for: Dads. All the lifesavers out there who have dropped their kids from great heights and have been able to get their hearts beating again before mom got home; Every English major who's explained away a bee sting or a snake bite as just a boo-boo; For the virtuous, who have had to repeatedly either turn the channel back to football, turn the TV back on or even just turn the volume back up or down; And to my brothers who have made the ultimate sacrifice and converted the Man Cave into the nursery, this blog is for you!
So, Father's, put the baby down so you can open a beer, raise your arms high and give yourselves a pat on the back cause you deserve a fair shake.
Stay tuned as I chronicle my journey from self-proclaimed man to full -fledged father. As soon as I can get the cat off the baby's face I'll be back to take those first revolutionary steps!