Oh Crap.

Have you ever heard the saying "God don't like ugly?" No? It's probably only because people don't want to tell you the truth. But I will. 'Cause I'm your friend. Apparently, God also doesn't like Dads bragging about how their kids are potty trained. Let me expound: I've just come from cleaning poop out of daughter's bed. Yup. You see, when wife and I explained to daughter that big girls don't poop or pee in their pants, daughter took it to mean that, first, I have to take off all of my clothes and then I can poop and/or pee wherever I'm standing. Which, for the second time this week has been her crib. I think we created a monster...

Where You From?

So, remember how I've been whining about how you should buy my book and make me famous (what are you waiting for btw?) and I said I have a girl's name? That's not totally true. The truth is my name is Native American. It means "The son of the chief." At least according to a TV show from 1974 it does. Yeah, that's right, I was named after a TV show. But at least I have a theme. And one person on You Tube has it uploaded. So here you go:

Awesome right? Until you realize that Kronk also has a theme:

And you know what? I kinda like his better...NOT! It doesn't get any better than kicking ass and taking names and apparently, when I was a very, very, very little person, someone whom I was named after did, which makes me down by law. Cause he was a deputy.

On The Daddy Tip #12

Daughter's newest trick is to stand up, stick her butt out, move her hips from side to side and chant "My booty, my booty." I don't know where it came from and I kinda don't want to know. It gives her something to do and makes her happy, so it makes wife and I happy. I've found that - betwixt meals, getting dressed and other required things (but not diaper changes; that's right, my two year old is potty trained. Is yours?) - daughter needs stuff to do. Which brings me to the tip: Give your kid something to do. I headed to Wal-Purgis Mart and picked up this. Now "Goldfish" (yes, that's his name) has a place to swim, frolic and sleep. Also, it's an awesome night-light. And, daughter has something to do, i.e. feed Goldfish. Feeding time is slotted right in between teeth brushing (Spin Brush) and the bedtime story ("Brown Bear See" or '"Night Moon" or "Elmo Book" or "Mag-Seen"). As an added bonus, Goldfish is also a regulator; "What, you don't want to brush? Well, Goldfish is brushing." Or "You don't want to sleep? Well, Goldfish is going to sleep." Goldfish even has a voice. Even though wife is the only person to have heard it.... In short: Getting your kid a cheap fish tank and a fish that only cost a buck fifty so He/she can feel good about having some responsibility: Priceless.

This Elmo for Yew

I walked into the house yesterday after work and while I was saying "Wuz Up!" to wife, daughter runs over to me and presses some thing into my hand. Before looking at it thoroughly I ask daughter, "What's this?" Daughter replies, "This Elmo for yew." So without any further ado:

Usually, when some new toy shows up at our house wife will explain from whence it came. In this instance she didn't. I don't think she even knew this thing existed until I started messing with it. Maybe daughter got one of her other Elmo dolls wet.

Holy Knight

As many of you might know-and I use the word many very loosely-I am a fan of Notre Dame Football. And before you ask, I don't give a damn who coaches the team, as long as there is Notre Dame Football. As I've gotten older I've also come to appreciate the school and the education it represents. And having taken until I was 34 to get a degree I know that education is damned important in the fight to be what you want to be in life. So, early on during The Pregnancy, I made a push. Because we live in Cleveland (40% is not a typo) I swore that no child of mine would ever set foot in a Cleveland school. I told wife that if lump never even knew the Cleveland school district existed, I would die happy. Thus began the search for an education. And I settled on Gilmour Academy. Truthfully, it was only because they were founded by the Congregation of Holy Cross in Notre Dame, IN. Which brings me to tonight. Wife and I just got back from Gilmour for a Montessori preschool open house. And now wife is on my side. The people at this school are extremely intense about education. Great. And because daughter is awesome and she was a Little Lancer this past fall, the Dean of Lower School Admissions already knows her. Perfect. And wife is already planning to observe a class and have daughter interviewed. Two words: Boo. Yah. And then I looked at tuition. And I'm thinking I shouldn't have taken away the "Donate" button.