Blue Bag Blues

I love the environment. I love the environment so much that since I've bought a V8 Jeep, I make my wife drive it and I drive around in her little Corolla. That way, when the real Happening occurs all the trees will be mad at her and not me. But having done all I can to ensure my survival has not given me a solution to my newest problem: Because of the hate campaign against plastic grocery bags, I don't know what to do with all the cat poo. Those of you who have cats will know what I mean. Cats have this fear of their own poo touching their paws, so when a cat box gets poo in it, cats stop using it. Humans, because we "own" cats, must do something about this and that means emptying the cat box. The only solution I've thought of so far is to throw the poo into my neighbors yard. Strange story there. My neighbors are trying to sell their house so they moved. Across the street. And apparently they turned off the electricity in their old house. So now, whenever the neighbor Man needs to do maintenance, he stretches extension cords across the street. Awesome, right?! True Dude! No, not really, he's an asshole. Anyway, I suppose I could get cat box liners, but those are plastic too(but they're strangely exempt from the hate). And they suck. Or I could do like the zoo and sell it. But because nobody really buys cat poo and I learned over the summer that it's bad for compost piles and vegetables, I'll need to sell it on America's marketplace: eBay. Quality is not an issue since most of the stuff on there is crap anyway. Also, with two cats I can easily meet the high demand that such a specialty item will command. I've got it! I'll make my own Kopi Luwak. Just mix in some Folgers and shape into convenient logs and 'Bam!', gourmet coffee! And you know what, As a special offer to the two readers of this blog, I'm giving away free samples. Just hook me up with your name, address, bank account number and SSN and I'll ship you out a free ten pound sample in a five pound bag. What's that? No, no don't thank me. It's you who have made this possible. Yes, my friends that's right, you are the shit!