Friday, April 30, 2010

She's Still Awesome to Me

Did you ever have a dog (or a cat or a hamster or a little brother) that joined the circus? Yea, me neither. I would just come home and find the top of my hamster or mouse or gerbil cage busted in and there would be blood on the inside of the glass and hamster or mouse or gerbil parts strewn about the room.....Imagine the horror. I recently was able to relive those feelings when wife informed me that daughters ribbons from 'nastics were not from doing rolls and leaps and bounds. Daughter got four ribbons for attendance. Yup. You see it happens like this: I have been called by a friend of mine "the whitest black guy he knows" (growing up skateboarding and listening to Jane's Addiction, Suicidal Tendencies, RHCP, The Smiths, et. al. will do that to you). In addition my wife is mixed (I know you just said mixed-ded!); her dad was black and her mom is German (and her grandma had a Nazi lamp!). So, daughter is pretty much destined to never know how to dance. Or play basketball or be in a music video or drink Olde English while sitting on a porch. Or leap or bound. She does roll well though. So maybe one of the ribbons is for 'nastics skills. And the other three are for showing up on time. Great. Bye-bye Subway sponsorship. Oh, and don't be shocked 'cause I made black "jokes." I know you were thinking it.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

She Stuck the Landings

Daughter is awesome! Or, at least she is when she isn't whining about something. When she whines her awesomeness drops exponentially. To zero. But this weekend, she was awesome. You see, daughter does stuff. She is or has been a Little Lancer, a Li'l Kicker, a Kinder Musik-cian and a Jump Start Gynastics-er. This past Saturday was the last day for "'Nastics" and, things being ridiculous, there was a performance/recital thing. The children (bless their snotty little hearts) had to do the stuff they had learned over the course of the gymnastics season. You know, rolls and leaps and bounds and....rolls. So, daughter got to shine, and got four ribbons! Sweet! Daughter is now well on her way to being a professional gymnast and reaping the rewards that will follow. Like.....um.....like.....being in a Subway commercial or being a spokesperson for Revco. Like I said, she's on her way.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I HATE SPIDERS



Some people I know called me up and were all, "Hey, I haven't seen you around in a while, are you okay?" I told them, "Sure, I'm fine. I've just run into a lot of doors lately so I'm waiting for wife to go to work so I can...I mean...I'm stuck in my house cause of a spider, man! I think I need an exterminator....


Sunday, April 11, 2010

Get offa my Lawn!!

If you don't know me, I mean really know me, you may get the impression from this blog that I hate everything, especially babies and wives. That's not true, though. I love wife. And making daughter was fun. I just consider myself a bit of a realist in that I don't mind complaining about having to give up things, like fun and staying up until six a.m. And, I don't care if you, or anyone else for that matter, finds it selfish that I complain about those things. I have this idea that deep down inside, way deep for some parents, there resides a little Man or woman, an id, if you will, that really didn't want to have to give up anything in order to have kids. Before it was a parent this idealistic id thought to itself, "When I have kids....blah, blah, blah ponies and butterflies!" Well, that id is an idiot. And now the id knows of it's mistake and has realized that it cannot buy Fenders or have a trail Jeep or visit Seattle or sleep until noon or close down The Cave or overdraw it's checking account. And so the id is pissed. And the id is now a curmudgeon. Mind, the curmudgeon will kill you if you hurt wife or daughter but it also realizes that life has gone through a drastic change. And now the curmudgeon is counting down the days until a certain someones twenty-second birthday so that He can buy himself a Porsche and retire.